This Wine Reminds Me of a Cat O' Nine Tails

Sophisticated and balanced with a hint of pretension.
Elegant and silky with a feminine nuance reminiscent of the old west.
Forward and brazen with a left hook that will leave you speechless.
Seriously? What does this mean?
As an avid "reviewer" of wines, which, let's be honest, means I get to drink for a living, I am continually perplexed by this verbiage. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it confuses the hell out me. I look at it this way: wine is a lot like art and music. It is plagued by critics trying to one up each other in a verbal assault of describing tangible items in a way that sound human and mysterious.
I'm guilty of this too. I've been known to describe certain Napa Cabernets as "teenagers at prom ready to give it up on the first date". Not the most tactful way to describe a wine, I know. But you get the point.
Words like fleshy, sexy, demure, and overt are a wine writers way of reinventing the wheel and keeping it interesting.  Who wants to read the same old descriptors of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc over and over? Gooseberry, cat pee, fresh grass, blah, blah, blah. How many times can one read (or write) about caramel, butterscotch, and toasted oak? The flavor profiles haven't changed - the times have.
But back to the question - what does a "sexy wine" mean? How does wine "dance across your palate?" It's so hard to interpret descriptions that have nothing to do with fruit. How would you describe an apple? Would you say it was crisp and tart with a little sweetness on the finish. Or would you say it was sassy and flirty with a voluptuous side. Are they one in the same? I am told more often than not by people clearly frustrated with a nouveau wine culture, that they don't know how to "talk wine". They can't relate.
In this profession, I made it my mission to make wine less confusing, more approachable, easier to understand. Does that mean what I say then has to be boring or predictable? I think we can have it both ways (pardon the pun). Nothing says we can't get frisky with our descriptors as long as we can back it up with something quantifiable. As long as we're not turning wine writing into the equivalent of  Fredericks of Hollywood without real knowledge to back it up. A bra stuffed with toilet paper will be discovered eventually.
At my tastings, as much as I put on a show, most of my entertainment value comes from true historical facts that I couldn't possibly make up. I told a story the other night about "Sarah's Vineyard" and Marilyn Olsen. Before this woman could sell her winery in 2001, she had to embark on an emotional three day vision quest, in a teepee, to grant permission from spirits, to sell the joint. Honestly, with a story like that, who needs to use naughty words to captivate?

While I'm on the subject, it should be said that, while writing this I'm drinking an Argentine Malbec that's one part Dolly Parton, one part J. LO. Figure it out.
Cheers!